How to Win Friends and Influence People on the Internet...or at least avoid being dismissed as a jerk

Have you ever been annoyed by a "friendly" waitress/waiter or saleperson? You know, s/he is "friendly" in the sense of being cheerful, but doesn't afford you the basic courtesy a customer can rightfully expect. Such people seem not to realize that friendliness is no substitute for respect and courtesy. It's a common problem among young people, many of whom think being "polite" is artificial and cold. It's something your parents bug you about, the same way they bug you about putting your elbows on the table when you eat. It may be a particularly common problem in America, where excessive politeness can be seen as a violation of the American ideal of equality. It's a less common problem in adults, though, because as people grow older and gain experience in the "grown-up" world, they gradually come to realize the importance of courtesy in human relations.

Keeping that in mind, now think about the way you write e-mail. Anyone who has a home page has probably received at least one e-mail, probably many, that fit the "friendly-but-rude" pattern, and let me tell you, it's annoying. It's only slightly better than "unfriendly-and-rude" e-mail, which is downright infuriating.

When you send e-mail to a total stranger, it's usually because you want something from that person, if only a pleasant acknowledgment. Since you are the one asking a favor, it is in your best interest to be courteous. The basic rule is the golden one: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and then some. Here are a few rules of thumb that can prevent you from offending the person you are addressing:
Begin your message with "Dear ____".
Whether to use the person's given name or a title (Mr., Ms.) followed by the surname is sometimes a tricky problem. Give it some thought, and make a choice. If the person is a professor or doctor, there is no question: use the title "Prof. ____" or "Dr. ____". Never begin a message "Yo dude!" or even "Hi!". Remember: you are a stranger, and haven't earned the right to be so informal yet.
DON'T TYPE EVERYTHING IN UPPERCASE.
IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE SHOUTING, OR MAYBE EVEN PSYCHOTIC.
Don't ask unreasonable favors.
This would include asking someone to buy something for you and send it to you by mail. Think about it: if a complete stranger one day called you on the phone and said, "I can't get Cap'n Crunch Crunchberry Cereal where I live, so could you buy me four economy-sized boxes and mail them to me?" would you be inclined to respond, "Sure thing! Is four enough?" Promising to reimburse the person does not help. Tracking something down, packing it, and taking it to the post office is a major nuisance. Cashing a check is a nuisance, too (and in some countries, such as Japan, impossible). Think carefully about whether or not your request is reasonable.
Always say "please" and "thank you."
This is self-explanatory, isn't it? One would think so, but I occasionally get mail "demanding" information without a single "please" or "thank you."
Always acknowledge a response.
If you send a stranger mail, and you get a response, always send a message of acknowledgement and thanks. But if the person seems busy (and most people are busy), don't ask more questions unless you really need to, because then the other person will be forced to respond once again.
If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
You never know what might offend the person you're addressing, so be cautious about criticizing anyone or anything, unless your intention is to pick a fight. No sarcasm in a first message, either.
Never send a message when you are angry, or you may regret it.
E-mail is too easy. You can toss off a message and have it appear before someone's eyes in less than a minute. Then a minute later, when you've calmed down, you think, "uh-oh." If you're angry, wait until you are not angry to send a message.
Proofread your message before sending it.
Think typoes don't matter? Think again. Sloppy writing suggests a lack of respect for the person you are addressing. It can also make you seem stupid. We all let typoes slip once in a while, but you should always reread your message, try to improve it, and clean it up. If you have doubts about your message, and are not in a hurry, set it aside and look it over again sometime later when your mind is clear.
Never demand a response.
In fact, don't even request one, although it's all right to say something like, "I would be grateful for any help you can offer." Assume that anyone you write to will be busy, and may never send a response. S/he does not owe you a response: if you get one, great, if you don't, tough luck. NEVER, EVER, EVER send an irate second message demanding a response to your first message. This is certain to anger the person you are addressing, and ruin your chances of having your favor granted. Give the person time to respond (at least 48 hours), and if you are really anxious, you can send a message asking if the first message was received. Just be sure to specify that you are asking only for a brief acknowledgement, and not a response to whatever you wrote in your first message.
Be polite even when you are the customer.
Don't think these rules don't apply when you're a customer sending e-mail to a business: a polite and pleasant customer will usually get better service than a rude one.
Always include a signature.
About once a week I get a message from someone that doesn't include a name. Even if you don't want to reveal your real name, include a handle or nickname of some kind. Otherwise the response will begin "Dear 4txx6@aol.com". Also, as with sloppy typing, you run the risk of seeming stupid. (By the way, for your own safety, never include your home phone number or address in your signature file.)

Once you've received a response, you can adjust your own tone according to tone of the response. If the response is fairly formal, then continue to use a formal tone. If it is friendly and informal, think about whether or not it would be all right for you to be more friendly and informal, too. Usually you can loosen up somewhat, but never fall into the trap of thinking you are now "chums" and can write anyway you want to. E-mail creates a false sense of intimacy, but never forget that it is false. You can be informal, you can joke, but always continue to show your respect for the other person.

Thank you for taking the time to read this page.

Respectfully,
Matt Thorn
Cultural Anthropologist
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Matt Thorn ()
Cultural Anthropologist
Associate Professor
Faculty of Manga
School of Manga Production
Kyoto Seika University